The Quest for the Holy Ale

In honor of my brother the screenwriter, I present to you a three-minute short:

FADE IN

INT. LIVING ROOM -- AFTERNOON

A small body squirms, belly down, on a dirty carpet floor. Colorful toys surround BABY ZOË, six months old. She wears a stylish hoodie, pink terrycloth "skort", and shoes too big for her little squat feet. She chews on a crinkly STAR TOY.


She catches sight of herself in the mirror.


She is looking gooooood.

The voice of her mother, BETH, interrupts the reverie.

BETH (O.C.)
Zoë! Zoë, look over here!
(whistling)
Hey, boogie!
Squirt!
(odd duck noises, squeeks, etc.)

ZOË turns to her mother, flashing a dimpled grin.

Soon her attention turns back to the STAR TOY.


With one last glance at her mother...


ZOË attacks.




She gnaws all five points of STAR TOY, drool coating her hands and hoodie. BETH continues to make embarrassing animal noises in hopes of catching ZOË'S attention, but to no avail.

Suddenly, ZOË freezes. Something on the coffee table catches her eye.


She studies it, cheeks full of contemplation.

ZOË
(high-pitched shriek)

BETH retrieves the forbidden object - a half-consumed BOTTLE of GINGER ALE. She places it on the carpet just out of reach of ZOË, who is panting with excitement.

ZOË finds this incredibly frustrating and unfair.


But soon ZOË'S determination - and the lure of shiny plastic - propels her forward. She shimmies and stretches for the GINGER ALE, slowly creeping her way across the rug. She is just about there...


When gravity foils her plan.

ZOË
(angry crying)

Exhausted, ZOË faceplants.


At which point BETH scoops her up and carries her upstairs for a nap.

FADE OUT

to appease zoë's demanding fan base...

a few pictures from Easter, courtesy of my sister-in-law. More later.

six months ago today...

I looked like this.

And this.



And then...

everything changed.

a poll: REVISED

Editor's Note: I've been accused (by more than one reader) of rigging the poll based on the two pictures I selected as Exhibits A and B. An independent committee has selected a new photograph for Exhibit A, which you can now find below.

During pregnancy, I was met with two questions at least once a day: "When are you due?" and "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" Fortunately, I had an answer at the ready: octobereighteenthyesit'salittlegirlwe'resoexcited!

Now that she's arrived, the questions are just as predictable but not as easy to answer.

You: Is she a good sleeper?
Me: Yes, she's really easy, or I mean, she WAS, until this week, I guess, because now she's waking up at midnight, and three, and six, and sometimes also four in there, and she's never really been a good napper, but I guess I'd rather have a better night sleeper than a napper, you know, and she has always been a good night sleeper, like 8:30 to 5, which is great, but this week has been rough and maybe she's teething?

The other is "Who does she look like?" Frequently people will skip this one, though, and just say, "Oh my goodness she looks EXACTLY like Tim!" or "Oh my goodness she looks EXACTLY like you!"

What do you think, dedicated readers? Leave your answer in the comment box and I'll tally the votes!

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit Z

a poem.

Zoë wears...

polka dots in pink and red,

an oversized daisy on her little bald head,

half of the rice cereal she was fed,

purple pajamas, and eyelids of lead.

The End.